Life as an ana schizo

I'm kinda shocked at how long it's been. Not that much has been happening since August. Just more of the same old, same old over and over again.

I had a big fight with my dad the other day. He told me I was a total loser and that no one could ever love me because I was useless and hopeless. Maybe he's right. I don't know.

Theatre restaurant begins tomorrow night. After all this practice I hope that it works out all right. I can but hope. Teaching Michael the lights has been the singularly most fun experience that I've had in ages. Telling him the same thing three times or more each time because he didn't hear or didn't get it or just didn't work it out for himself. Hopefully things won't stay like that. I'm actually enjoying being in the show even though it's been awhile since I've done anything like that. And I'm in more than Sherrie and Nae.

I got some professional photos done of me last weekend which was also when the auditions for Jekyll & Hyde were on. Thanks to Sarah that is. She paid for me to have the photo shoot because it was a two for one offer so she got some photos done of herself as well. The good thing about this is that I don't have to buy anyone christmas or birthday presents because each photo that I give to family will account for that.

I'm now living in the granny flat at my parents house. Things have been kinda weird this last couple of weeks. While Fee and Wes and Michael were moving out... and I got a new bed. It only cost me 700 $$ altogether but it gave me a few bruises.

My computer hasn't moved over to my new house yet, and neither have I paid the rent that I will have to start paying on my next pay. But hey, that's ok.

I spent today with Nae. It was ok. The problem I have at the moment is that I'm so depressed that doing something will help for a while and then leave me feeling more depressed than I was to begin with. Which kinda sucks. Caleb used the toilet by himself today. Pretty good really considering he's about 2.5 years old.

I see Pam and Emily tomorrow. And have to go to the gym because I haven't been for a fortnight. Mostly because of my foot though. This damn plantar facialis doesn't want to go away. I suppose I am lucky that it's been found so early and I'm already on the anti-inflammatories for it but still I hate walking. Damn the foot. Damn it to heck.

Well I'd better go

Current Mood: blah

Well I didn't get the job. I got placed on a waiting list. God only knows how many other people are on it as well. Probably that's what they told the other 19 people who aren't in the magical ten. I may as well give up and just live off my disability pension. My lack of experience is what turns people away from me. But if they'd just give me a job then I'd have experience but I can't get a job so I can't get experience. Typical recurrence at work.

Don't bother trying to say something uplifting. Right at this moment I couldn't care less. I've been forced to spend all evening out at a doorkeepers training course that was incredibly boring and then get home to find out that. The only glimmer of happiness this evening has brought me is that I got to scream "We're all gonna die!" about a thousand times while evacuating the civic.

I wish I could die. But that would be taking the easy way out, for me that is. And leaving other people with the mess I've had to go through. Mind you, it would probably not work anyway because i'm totally hopeless.

I'd better go I've gone from angry to hurt within ten seconds.... and still counting.

Well I had an interview today for a "job". It was for a traineeship in aged care. Well kind of. The startings of it. We only have to do three tafe modules for aged care, and they sound bloody easy to me. Probably because the ones they were talking about were things that I had to cover when I was in first year uni.

The interview seemed to go pretty well. I didn't get too nervous which is always a worrying sign but I didn't freak out halfway through or anything like that. Even if I don't get it I had the experience of going through an interview. A panel interview at that. The two interviewers were constantly saying "good, good" when I answered questions and they said that I bought up issues that other people had forgotten about the industry.

I really hope I get this even though it will only be for 18 weeks. There is a chance of another job or further training at the end of it. Which I'm hoping I will get. But even if I don't there is always a traineeship in admin through the City Council or somewhere like that. Or if all else fails more study. lol.

Actually I love studying. I want to go back to uni and do IT. Not because it would be easier than what I was doing before but because I have an interest in it. I've built a computer before in my time and loved learning what all the bits were and what they were needed for. I think I've got the mind of a male. In the sense that I like to know how something works before I can learn to use it. But mind you I will just go ahead and learn for myself instead of taking longer to teach me I will keep working until I've worked it out.

And now I must away for my head is killing me.

Ok this is just a short note to say that I now have AIM if anyone wants to chat. This is especially because my msn and yahoo keep closing down for no reason whatsoever.

My AIM screen name is sympathy1981. Hope to talk to you soon.

It's probably pretty stupid being cold when it's 10 degrees celsius outside but hey my body doesn't know what's good for it. Typing is fun with cold fingers. It's a pity we don't get this type of weather more often. Although it's been a wet winter which is both good and bad. Good because T'ville gets the rain that it so badly needs, but bad because it means delays on Fee and Wes' house. Which means longer before I'm able to move into the granny flat because they have vacated it. Also it means that we are getting to the point where they might have to bring the baby home from the hospital to the granny flat.

Do you hate waiting for an email that you really need?? Especially when you know that you probably won't get it until Monday because it's the weekend?? At least it's Sunday already which means that I should get that damn email tomorrow. Except nothing can be certain where it's concerned but hopefully anyways.

If you understood any of that congratulations :p

I can't wait for my UCW stuff to arrive!! I know that I've already said that but now I'll be counting down the days until it arrives. It's always so exciting. And then I'll have to do the distribution thingy. And it's not long now until Emma's party. Just over a month. It's in September sometime. Which should be good because I should have some money to get something else at her party. And then I'll be all excited about getting new clothes again. Lol...

I love Dave have I told you that lately? :p

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Alanis Morrissette: Perfect

Well it's been awhile since I last wrote. Not much has been happening I guess. Or not much that I care to tell people about anyways. Things have just pretty much been rolling along. I think the last time I wrote anything of value was just after I saw Dr L last...

And now I've seen Dr L again. It was really good to see him because he was running to time. Well almost. I got pretty much the full half hour with him and we made some progress... if you can call it that. I took along a book full of notes with me so that I would remember what I wanted to talk to him about - which worked out really well even though half the notes were pretty cryptic. That's why I didn't let him see them I just worked them out iin my head and then asked him the questions or told him the information.

I see Jackie again on Monday. However since we got through my worst time of the year with no obvious problems I guess I won't be seeing her again until next year. But we'll see.

I see Pam on Wednesday of this week I think. At least I hope it isn't until then because that means that I don't have too much to worry about. lol just kidding.

So where are we at??

I'm still going to the gym with me now doing classes every morning except for Sunday. Even though I'm still sick and have been sick now for about two weeks. Two weeks Monday to be precise. I'm really enjoying doing the classes although some are definitely better than others. This morning I did the cross-training class with Nadine taking it which was interesting. She did some intervals training which made me feel ok because I could mostly keep up with what was going on. Although I think I was the only level 1 who would admit to being a level 1. :p

Now, as of last Thursday night, I'm on carbamazepine syrup (tegretol) as well as my injections. The tegretol syrup tastes absolutely disgusting but I think it's doing something. I now know that I have to watch out for my manic days because I will go into a phase where I don't sleep and can't stop moving and so on and so forth and it gets my body down.

On Friday I went with Emily into a recruitment office and did a little test thing and filled in some paperwork. This is a government preferred temp agency, and I apparantly did quite well at their little test. There was one where you had to pick the missing square from the choices below and I got 11 out of 12. And I think I know which one I got wrong... but I think it's because they didn't include the correct answer on the computer :p just kidding. I was told I was perceptual and I can't remember everything else they read out. Emily was pleased anyway and that's all that counts.

I see Emily again on Friday. I haven't heard too much more on that job that she was putting me forward for in aged care. It's likely to start in September... which could be interesting with the Eisteddfod going on at about the same time. If I'm working there will be a few people who will be getting upset but I guess they'll have to do without me sooner or later hey?!

My undercoverwear party went well. I had to tell one person that they wouldn't get their goods when they didn't get me the money in time though. A big thank you to someone else for putting in an order at the last minute though so that my benefits were still the same. I should be getting the goods soon in order to distribute them around the people that ordered them. How exciting.... new clothes. lol

Is it just me or do girls like getting new clothes?!

Dave has been a bit upset lately because of having to move. I'm sure everyone's prayers are with him at this time. I spoke to him this afternoon but had to go to a singers' association meeting (boring!!) which got put back about three quarters of an hour because of the president forgetting that there was a meeting and scheduling a student for the meeting time. And it was the first time this student had been there so it was a long lesson without much singing. And when I got back and managed to get back onto the computer he had had to go. Hopefully he will manage to get online again soon.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Dad talking on his damn radio

Well this week has been a living hell. I'm drowning my sorrows in my third smirnoff ice double black right now. Not that it does much - after all it's only approximately 1.9 standard drinks. But hey.

Tuesday was the most boring day of my life with the most catastrophic events happening. I mean we woke up with heidi vomitting all over the place and then after she was put into her basket she couldn't even lift her head. She was in a bad way. We all thought she was going to die and according to Jackie we weren't far off it. If we hadn't of gotten her to the vet hospital tuesday morning i am positive she would have died. And that's more distressing than you could imagine. Well maybe not all of you. lol

Then there was supposed to be my endoscopy. But they got to the stage where they wheeled me in and then told me that they couldn't do the operation sorry procedure because of my allergy to latex. I'm actually a little upset with the doctor sorry registrar that i saw from Dr Hack's department because she should have passed on the message that I was allergic to latex after all I told her so she could. The doctors were getting up me because they were assuming they hadn't been told because I hadn't told anyone which was very irritating and also very hard to cope with considering what was going on with heids at the time.

Then we got a call saying that Naomi had dilated to about 3 cms with no contractions so the doctor wouldn't let her go past today without inducing her. But luckily for her that didn't have to happen. She went into labour on Tuesday night and had the baby (sophie) at 10pm. David thinks Sophie is absolkutely perfect. But then again he would wouldn't he. Ma also says she is gorgeous.

Anyway this all meant that ma flew down to brisbane on wednesday and dad drove down there today. So I'm basically on my own for the next two or three weeks depending on whether they keep to their original schedule or come back early because of the horrors of sleeping on a bed that they aren't accustomed to. Insert general exclamations such as shock! horror! here...

Heidi came home today thank goodness which was also the day that i saw dr l and jackie. Lots of fun all around ... not. Seeing Dr L was ok although I didn't spend as much time in with him as I usually do because of him being way late. He was about an hour and a half late as I could work it out. I took Renee and Caleb with me and Caleb enjoyed himself immensely playing with all the toys and running off up the corridor towards the doctors office. When I was in with Dr L apparantly he stood just outside the door and pointed in like he knew that that was where I had gone. So cute.

Seeing Jackie was great. It was good to catch up with her and to know that to her eyes at least I am looking well. Feeling well looking well doing good. lol. We talked about a lot of stuff including how I am going with Dave and how heids was doing. It was really good. I was running about 5 minutes late but it could have been a lot more. Thank goodness there were no cops on the highway lol. Although it really wasn't that bad but you see heidi had peed on me because she was so excited so I had to go home and change my clohtes. So we did... which took up a little bit of time and we only made it back into town a little late so I guess that is good.

I think Dave has had enough of me lately. I know I've been struggling to stay on top of problems like my eating disorder which has reared it's head again and struggling with the emotions related to staying alive and my body's natural inclination towards survival which is becoming deafeningly stupid to me. But I don't always deserve anger when I am unable to get online because of having for so long dealt with things my way on my terms. And now I have to be able to adjust that way of thinking which is really hard to do when he is so far away and can't give me what I sometimes need the most. Arms around me with a voice in my ear telling me it'll all be alright.

The voices are back and bad today. But that's pretty much to be expected. Dr L asked me if Nicki was interested in increasing the dose and I said in her own good time she'd probably get around to the idea. At the moment she is more interested in me being distracted from the thoughts through doing things like jigsaw puzzles but my concentration isn't good enough for that at the moment. Although hopefully it will be one day.

Oh yeah while I think of it, yesterday was Jaimie and Caleb's birthdays. They are 21 and 2 respectively. Poor Jaimie couldn't do anything for her 21st because of having a baby not all that long ago and little Damon was apparantly very restless last night. I've been invited round to Caleb's birthday party which is happening on saturday afternoon and I've given him his presents. It was funny that when I was talking to Dr L he was talking about his youngest who turns one today and his 11 year old who has a birthday next week and how they are having a joint party with about 30 or 40 children there. I pity him because he has to do all the cleaning up afterwards, just as I feel sorry for Renee. Even though there definitley won't be the same number of children there. lol

I guess I'd better go and see what miss heidi is up to. I promised ma and dad that I would take good care of her and have already given her some of her special food. I hope she is over the danger period now.

Oh yeah did I tell you what she had?? It was pancreatitis.

I'm now going to return to drowning my sorrows in smirnoff ice double blacks. Hope everyone else is having a better time than me.

Current Mood: up down turn around
Current Music: Kelly Clarkson: Behind these hazel eyes

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Friendly Monk. Where You Lived: Ontario. How You Died: Suicide.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Kelly Clarckson: Breakaway

Well today I saw Emily. I was running about 15 minutes late though because I stopped in the bathroom to throw up. But she said she didn't mind. Well I didn't tell her the exact reason that I was late. hehehe...

Anyway the conversation with Emily was positive. There's a government funded traineeship coming up at an aged care facility that she thought I might like to take part in. It's basically in business admin although it's also specific to the aged care sector. Because of course australia's population is becoming older with every day....

So she talked to me about the job and what it will entail - 20 weeks of full time work with the pay equaling about 500 $ gross a week. Which is like twice what I'm getting now even if I will have to pay tax. Which would mean that I'd be able to save up money for the wedding dress and venue and caterer and so forth much quicker. Which will be good.

Have I told you the date we've set for the wedding?? It's November 26, 2006.

So don't forget now lol. Seriously though how could you forget it's about 2 months after my birthday to the day and doesn't coincide with anyone else's wedding anniversary that I know of at the moment.

Have you ever been in love ??

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Ronan Keating: When you say nothing at all

Your Kissing Purity Score: 80% Pure

You've hardly ever been kissed But the kisses you've given are very missed

Current Music: Alanis Morrissette: Right through you

( crystal creek bridge )

Current Music: Eminem: Cleanin' out my closet

My upper endoscopy is coming closer all the time. It's happening next Tuesday so less than a week away. I'm more than a little nervous. I have to be at the hospital at 7.30 am which is going to be interesting because I'll have to be up at around 6. Yuck.

Anyway I hate the idea of them sticking a camera down my throat. It's hard enough to swallow as it is without having to think about something you really don't want to swallow going down. But at least it will all be over by Tuesday afternoon. Hopefully they will snip the web and that will be the end of it. At least that would be the end of it until it grows back - but the second time we'd know what it was.

Next week is going to be interesting. I have appointments with Pam, Jackie and Dr L within two days of each other. Well literally within two days. And I'll probably be seeing Emily on Friday and Dr M on Tuesday. Thankfully it isn't an injection week as well. Seeing Nicki would probably freak me out.

I went to the supa carnival that we had here and the show - both on Sunday and then went again to the supa carnival with nae and Caleb. Caleb turns 2 on Wednesday next week!! His mummy is very happy. And he's finally getting one of his eye teeth. The poor thing is teething all over again. Which probably explains why he keeps biting me and his mum right now.

( Don't bother )

Well I'd better go because it was Wes's birthday on Sunday and fee and everyone is over at the granny flat celebrating it. I'd better go and be sociable.

Au revoir

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Shakira: Eyes like yours

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Shakaya: Stop calling me

Current Mood: curious
Current Music: Ashlee Simpson: Pieces of Me

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Green Day: Holiday

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Evanescence: Tourniquet

Well the move is basically over now and we are down to the boring things in life again... cough cough. We had mega problems with our internet connection and have basically been without it since the last time I was writing in here. Thank you very much (sarcasm intended) to telstra for managing to stuff up everything to do with our phones and out internet connection... grumble grumble grumble...

We also have had the play Love Begins at 50 to deal with and thankfully that is now over as well. It made it even harder to deal with all the stuff relating to not having the internet and going to sleeping in a new house with different shadows on the walls and stuff like that.

Heidi is much happier out here. I think she can finally let her hair down so to speak. She is enjoying the acre and a half that we have here and seriously is enjoying being allowed in the house when george isn't. hehehe. She feels like the lord of creation i guess or queen or all she surveys. hehehe.

Dave, I'm sorry I haven't been able to get online believe me when I say I wanted to but there have just been one million and one things causing me to have troubles. I'm still not used to this place and getting so is becoming tiring... but when you and I are online together I'll try to make it up to you. I've already sent you an email.

Well I'd better go for the moment because I have heaps to do along the lines of checking my emails and so forth so that they don't get closed down.

Ta ta.

I HATE being depressed...



Oh and Testra sucks...

But I had better start with yesterday.

The people who live next door in their infinite wisdom decided to use yesterday and today to build their new 6 foot high fence between the two properties. So yesterday they knocked down or cut down and carefully rolled up the old fence. This meant two things. 1. George and Heidi couldn't go outside by themselves and 2. George couldn't sleep outside.

Because of this George had to come with us to the eisteddfod office where I spent a day in hell. I mean that almost literally. George was good though, but when I got in there I found that they had put 150+ entries onto the computer but that there were heaps of mistakes in them. So I had to go back over all the paperwork and entries on the computer from the last one that I did on Friday afternoon to 800. There were numerous blank numbers and people being entered again who had already been entered and mistakes made in the types of entries and so on and so forth. I almost tore my hair out trying to work out what the hell she (it was one person who did them all) had done.

Then our current president walked in saying what a good job the person on the computer (who made all those errors) had been, and how greatful she was to her. And it was all I could do to keep from screaming that they just take me for granted because I had put in over 500 entries on my own even with a sore back that keeps me from being able to do things and with us moving. Now I could cope with her praising this one person if she had actually done a decent job but when it meant I had to go back over them again.....

I took George straight home from the Eisteddfod office. Took two pain killers and went to bed. I decided against going to the gym that evening because my back was so sore so I went to divatam's place to have a chat. And I think she needed it just as much as I did. lol

Anyways this morning I had my injection so I went and got myself injected. My doctor told me that I looked "dishevelled" so I felt pretty bad because I had gotten up and dressed myself and done my hair and everything. But I guess I just felt like crap. I wasn't really in the talking mood so she had to drag information out of me. I don't think she'll expect to see me again in two weeks but I've made the appointment... this afternoon when I remembered.

So, after getting my injection I went into the eisteddfod office intending to get another 100+ entries in the computer when there was no body there. However L turned up because M had stood her up for this afternoon when she was supposed to go in there. So she opened the mail while I did some entries and then she did some entries and I fixed up cards to go to the competitors and so on and so forth until I decided that my back wouldn't cope any longer.

Then I came home via a pharmacy. The guy at the pharmacy was really good giving me all the drug information for the two new drugs I'm on. Well Panadeine Forte isn't really new but the Brufen is. I also stopped and got a diet Pepsi because I was dying of thirst and knew there wasn't much good to drink at home.

So I had a little snack (two rice cakes) and took my tablets and went to bed. I didn't exactly get to sleep though, I was kind of in that in-between place where you can know what is going on but really can't be bothered enough to open your eyes. Until I decided that I had better get up because it had to be almost 3pm - time for Wesley to come home.

(I was right too...)

I had a frozen popper while I waited for Wes to get home and then came on the computer. The weird thing is that this afternoon and this evening I keep breaking down into tears with no real reason for it. I'm just feeling extremely depressed - too depressed to do anything about it or to even care about the fact that I've been crying - and there is nothing that I can put my finger on to explain it. Maybe I'm just grieving because I only have a few days left in this house, maybe I'm feeling the effect of being so far away from the person I love, maybe I'm feeling the effects of not having a real anti-depressant in my system.... who knows?? Or maybe I'm just so damn tired that everything gets me down. I really don't know.

Tonight I think I was meant to go to the gym with Tamara, but I'm just feeling too down and lost. I don't think I could stand to be around people like that.... maybe I'll try to go in the morning and see how things go.

I did eat dinner tonight (a piece of fish and some salad) and then took my second dose of the brufen/panadeine forte mix.

Oh that reminds me A rang me tonight. I haven't heard from him or seen him for a long time and he was talking to me about going to the movies with me and K. I don't think I could stand to be in the same movie theatre as K anymore. But I guess we'll see. I just wonder what made him think of me. Maybe his ma (my adopted grandmother) said something ... I guess we'll never know.

Current Mood: really really depressed
Current Music: silence

Answer the following questions then tag 5 people to do the same.

1) Total number of books I've owned?: lots :p 100+

2) The last book I bought?: Handbook for the Solitary Witch

3) The last book I read?: Does my Mosby's Medical Dictionary count :p Probably The complete guide to Javascript

4) 5 books that mean a lot to me:

Sleep pale sister - No idea
Good Omens - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman
Handbook for the Solitary Witch - Silver Ravenswolf
To stir a Magick Cauldron - Silver Ravenwolf
Any Terry Pratchett discworld novel - duh

5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their LJs

divatam
kudzu
phelicity
frosty_pickle I know you have already done it darling
hiruyan

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Eminem: Mockingbird

Well we move next weekend but we have the keys now. Today is the second day that we have eaten dinner as a family instead of as two families just sharing the same roof. But I'll start with yesterday.

I got up early yesterday morning and was intending to go to the gym but my back was too sore, and then I got drafted into taking three carloads of stuff up to our new house. I went up with George on my lap - and he was being very naughty but I have a theory about that. And then we got into unpacking the cars - well after dad arrived with the keys to the house anyways.

Half of the stuff went into the bedroom that I'm going to be sleeping in for about the first four or so months. Which really sucked. Because most of it wasn't even mine - and that which was should have gone over to the granny flat. But that's beside the point. And then I did a ton of washing up. I mean that almost literally - we washed up until the tea towel was so wet that we couldn't do anything with it. Euckya.

When we finished at the house we went up to Uncle Peter's house to see him and so that George could run around with Peppy. And we had some softdrink and a rest and it was quite nice but then I got a phone call from mes parents asking which key on my keyring was the key to the Choral Society Warehouse. Which actually was a bit of cheek because we told them that we would be home well before they had to go to the rehearsal so that I could show them - and also because they hadn't asked me whether they could borrow the key or not!!

Anyway that meant that we had to come home. Which took us a little while because Peppy wanted to come home with us and George didn't want to. Typical. So we finally got home and ma was fretting because they needed to leave at 3 - and it was 1.45... So really I don't get why they were fretting.

Then ma and dad left to go to their rehearsal when the time was right and fee and wes left to do something - but I don't know what it was. Except I seem to remember something about taking more stuff up to the granny flat or something like that.... and they left the house keys at home when they had planned to take them with them. Luckily they had the granny flat keys.

I managed to get to sleep in one of the chairs in our living room while they were doing that. I was really tuckered out. lol

After fee and wes got home we started cooking the vegetables for dinner and ma and dad bought a chicken on their way home from rehearsal. So we had a roast chicken dinner without too much work. Except my ma was deliberately making sure I got as little as possible of the meat - which suited me fine but still hurt because of the way that my mind is working at the moment.

Then when we had finished with dinner fee decided that we needed something sweet to eat so she and i went and got a vienetta to share with the family.

And again I fell asleep in the chair lol. I even had to get woken up to go to bed - I think I was very tired....

This morning we had three potential buyers going through our house so divatam and I took both George and Heidi for first a walk and then a ride in the car. They were both very happy about that although the first people arrived about 15 minutes before they were supposed to, so Heids got to bark at them.

Then this afternoon we went up to the house with Heidi and George. Heidi doesn't seem too interested in the move. Just kind of lying down on the being alert job. She even went into the pool area and didn't seem too concerned. I don't know if we will have a problem with her trying to escape - only when she has a whole afternoon in the yard by herself will we know I guess.

Today I just feel so exhausted. Like my spirit has been crushed for some reason - oh and people can really infuriate me very easily.... just too many of them I guess.

Current Mood: zapped
Current Music: Avril Lavigne: Nobody's Home

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.


As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.


Then all the other bells started to ring....

For some reason today I'm feeling especially prone to being bad. Not in the way of eating a lot though. I've managed to have two rice thins without anything on them, and two crackers with vegemite and cheese - and lots of water since this morning.

I've apparantly lost two kilos according to the scales at the gym in the last two weeks. Last night I was extremely depressed because I was still putting it on. Maybe it's just the scales I have or the different time of day. There I am again making excuses for it. I'm of two minds about everything...

I skipped my appointment with Pam today. She rang the house and got dad who gave her ma's mobile number so I got a phone call from her. She wanted me to tell her what was going on but I just couldn't do it. Not to mention that my old doctor was in the eisteddfod office while I was talking to Pam. I really couldn't talk. I wanted to scream that I needed help because I'm slipping back into old bad habits. I'm barely eating, I'm vomitting after eating, I'm excercising or thinking about exercising heaps of times during the day.... and now I'm looking at "thinspiration". But how could I tell her all that when my ma was in the room. Ma thinks I'm just being really good and not eating anything that would make me fat - but she doesn't see what's fully going on.

Ma also doesn't realise that she is encouraging me to continue in this effort. I mean yes it's good that she supports me (and makes little jokes like they should give me a commission at the gym :p) but she also encourages the bad behaviours like when I say I'm not hungry after looking in the fridge. Especially when this is first thing in the morning and I'm not likely to be eating.

I don't know maybe it's just me.

Tell me the truth what do you think when you see things like this??



I see beauty. Lots of beauty.

*sighs*

Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: Coldplay: the scientist

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Jesse McCartney: Beautiful soul

Do you ever have those days when you think you are physically incapable of losing weight without going to the extremes of not eating and excercising non-stop??

Do you ever wish that you could just disappear??

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be normal - just for one day??

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be well??

Do you ever think you aren't good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, basically just not enough of what everyone wants??

Do you ever become obsessed with the littlest details??

Do you??

Well it's been a couple of days since I posted a real entry so I thought maybe I'd better get my butt into gear and do one. Although there isn't much to write about.

Yesterday was good. No seriuosly I didn't take any pain pills in the morning because I am running out badly and that meant that I couldn't do very much. Wes and I went over to my flat to start the process of moving out. I got about half the flat packed up except for the big stuff and some little stuff that is still in my bedroom. But the big trouble was that I had to keep moving and sitting on the floor and bending to low levels and stuff like that. Not good for a sore back.

Anyways in the afternoon I decided to rest, so I came online after taking some pain pills. Although I had a rest as well. Bust basically I just muddled around until night fell and I decided that I had better get cracking on my selection criteria cos it was due in today. Oh and a big thanks to divatam for helping me to get started.

This morning I was supposed to go into the office but didn't get out of bed until 11 ish. That's because my back was so frigged up and frozen that it wouldn't let me do anything. I couldn't even sit up properly. However a couple of pain pills and some heat meant that I could get up and so I got into writing my selection criteria again.

At about lunch time I drove over and handed it in with all it's bits. I just hope that I did it well enough to get an interview. That would be lucky. I don't know though. Sometimes I wonder whether I even want to get a job. I guess I'm just a little confused on that point at the moment.

I've done quite a bit of talking to Dave over the last couple of days. I think he's enjoyed it and I have too. Although I've been quite busy at the same time.

Oh and I have passed my access and powerpoint assessments for TAFE. yay!!!

I guess I'd better go for now.

Love to you all.

Current Mood: cheerful

Unitarian Church You scored 29 Angst, 40 Weirdness, and 51 Freedom!

The Unitarian-Universalist Church is about as open-minded as you can possibly get, to the point that they don't really have any doctrines per se, just a set of loose guidelines under which people of different beliefs can interact in relative harmony. They were among the first churches to recognize women pastors and gay marriage, and generally support any number of left wing causes. This often vague open-mindedness leads many to question whether it's even a religion at all. Never piss a Unitarian off, though, or they'll burn a question mark in your front lawn. http://www.uua.org/

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Alanis Morrissette: Not the Doctor

Current Mood: sore

Well today was pretty packed - until the afternoon that is. This morning I went with ma to the gym and did a pretty easy workout with just some upper body weights and some bike riding and some stretches. Then we went to the office and I was straight into putting entries into the computer. I put in over 100 entries today but there are still heaps more to do and that is just to catch up. And the big lot hasn't even come in yet.

Anyway M came into the office this morning and was bustling around doing things. Thankfully she wasn't doing anything that I had to worry about so I just plodded along and eventually did a print of the tickets. We were looking at the new phone and they were wondering why it wasn't working yet - don't ask me I'm not a phone expert. lol

Sister K came in to the office to drop off another batch of her entries and brought with her a bun from brumbies. L keeps saying that Sister K will go to heaven. I should think so. Given that she is a nun anyway lol. But today we gave away the award for the kid with the weirdest name. It went to M G. I hope that Sister K wins in back next year. lol

After leaving the office at 12.15 we realised that I'd left my pink bag there and ma had left her keys, so we had to turn around and go back. And then we were running close to the time of ma's singing lesson.

I didn't have a singing lesson today. My back was too sore for me to support much breath and I still can't stand for a considerable length of time so I'll have a lesson next Monday when ma won't. But I still went and listened to ma sing. She spent a whole half hour on one song. hehehe.

Then we came home. Apparantly we were supposed to go to stockies and my flat and various other places today but ma and I had lost our "get up and go". So we came home and I took some more pain pills and went to sleep with a heat pack on my back. And when someone took it off I rolled over and continued to sleep. I guess because I had been so active in the morning and got almost no sleep the night before it was needed.

After I woke up I spent a few minutes in the world of confusious. Then I came to. Anyway when I finally got myself together I rang divatam and asked her if she wanted to go to the gym. To cut a long story short we went to the gym tonight. I did some more weights but still kept it relatively easy so that I won't rehurt my back - well that's the theory. I'm hoping that things improve enough for me to do a pump class on Thursday. But I guess we'll see.

And now I'm writing here - but I will write about my dream.

( My dream )

That dream freaked the living daylights out of me, and I'm not sure if it was because it had happened before with Jem or whether it was an effect of the pain pills. I'm not taking those pain pills tonight before I go to sleep so we'll see.

Dave, I love you ok.

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Kasey Chambers: Hollywood

Your wise quote is: "The best antiques are old
friends" by Unknown...
Your buds is the source of your happiness
(maybe not all but still). Even if it's just
one, a couple or a whole group they are the
ones you can't wait to see. It does not matter
if you're shy with everyone else or not, with
them you let your true spirit shine and can be
as loud as you want. They accept you, and you
love them for that.


What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
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Hehehe how true is that??

Today I went to another undercoverwear party. That makes my second... and I booked one for me after I move into the new house so that'll be three of them. Now I just have to convince people to spend money at them :p

Seriously though, the stuff is good quality and they offer very good refunds etc on purchases if they don't fit or if they are bad merchandise. They are really good about it.

As to where I have been for the last few days - unconscious on a variety of pain pills is probably the best answer to that. I woke up on Wednesday morning unable to walk and things have barely improved. I eventually went to my doctor on the Friday but she didn't give me a referral to a physio, just a prescription for more pain pills. But boy these pain pills are good, unfortunatley I'm almost out and no where near running out of bad back.

This means that all my gym going has had to be put on hold for the week because I physcially couldn't do anything although my sister is telling me that I'm a wuss. Mind you if her hip were as sore as my back I think she'd be complaining more than I do. But that's usually the way of it - and I'm supposed to be spoilt by being the youngest one and always have an easier path through life. Hmmm like total bullsh*t.

I'm applying for another job that's an A01/2 position at the local hospital. Basically just an admin job but at least it would get me started with something. Sadly though it means I have to use my brain to come up with the answers to the selection criteria. (I hate selection criteria) lol.

Well I'd better go for now.

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: hmmm i forgot to put music on

Your wise quote is: "Reality bites with a
variety of sizes of teeth"(-Tony Follari)
As a person, you think life is just plain
painful, horrible and everything else you don't
like. Happy people confuse you. Alot. I mean,
why are they so happy anyway? You are depressed
and perhaps utterly alone and live life rather
montone. You feel there is no reason to really
be here and feel helpless.


What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
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Your wise quote is: "Be kind to unkind people,
they probably need it the most" by
Ashleigh Brilliant.
You try to look beyond apperance, try to give
people second chances and are probably very
kind. Understanding is your biggest personality
trait, and thoose you can see through should be
grateful. If they aren't already. You detest
narrow minded people, because they can't see
what's really there. Facades is not your thing
and you strive to always be who you really are.


What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
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Your wise quote is: "Love is life. And if you
miss love, you miss life" by Leo
Buscaglia.
Yes, love is indeed what you desire in your
life. If you have it or not is another matter,
but it is in your eyes the most important
feeling. You tend to be a romantic dreamer and
want you and your love to have that kind of
perfect love that you hear about in fairytales.
However that can be hard to find, but it
doesn't mean you are going to stop looking.


What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
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Well Monday saw F's dads funeral which I went to to support her. I actually almost got mistaken for a member of the family. F sang but broke down in tears and I ended up singing at the funeral as well. Then on our way out we noticed that F had managed to lock her keys in the car. So we spent two hours trying to break in and eventually called RACQ to come and get them out - which they did for free.

After I got home I went with divatam to the gym. Which was really good. Then after coming home and doing the necessary evils I went back to her place. And stayed for a few hours just talking. But when I was in my car trying to come home the car decided to stop. I tried turning the key a few times after turning everything off incase it was the battery but it couldn't turn over.

So I walked for a while to get back to Tamara's house and I think I woke both of them up with my knocking on the door. But managed to get in contact with ma and let her know what had happened, and Tamara's husband dropped me home after we shifted the car to where it would be safer.

Then I got home and dad questioned me on everything to do with the car. You know.... was it overheating or had it been on cold, how long had it been on totally cold, was it still warming up, were there any funny smells, and blah blah blah on it went until 3.30 in the morning.

Finally I got to sleep but only got an hour and a half because dad woke me up at 5 am and told me to get ready because we were going to get the car. So at 5.30 we finally left the house and went to where the car was and dad showed me how to pop the bonnet (remember this is a new car for me) so he went and had a look and got me to turn the key. Nothing happened. Then he found a cable that had been shaken loose and put it back in and lo the car started, so we went home with me praying the damn thing wouldn't shake loose again.

So that was how I started yesterday.

Then I had to get up and go for my injection, but while I was getting ready F rang me and asked if I would be able to do a field trip with her to drop one of her relatives off home after the funeral. So I agreed as long as I could be home by 3 to be here for Wes. So I got my injection and off we went. (I'll come back to my blood test results later.)

We drove to Ingham fine but on the way back all the electronics systems seemed to be playing up, so we vowed that we wouldn't stop the car because we were afraid of not getting it started again. Which proved a good idea. After we got back to town though we decided to go to where her husband/ex husband/ whatever works and see him and F switched the car off. So when we decided to start it again it wouldn't go. So H and I had to give it a push start at a bit of a run and finally managed to get it going.

It was now 2.30 and I had to be home at 3 so I had my fingers crossed.

Anyway when we got the car going none of the electronics equipment was working so we couldn't see how fast we were going or what time it was or anything like that. So F drove back to her mothers house where my car was and thankfully her ma was home. So her ma followed her out to the mechanics while I came home.

And then the sleepiness from the injection hit. And I slept for four hours.

After which Tamara and I arranged to go to my flat that night and clean it up ready for the inspection on Thursday. Which we got done in record time because I didn't look at the mess and think about how big it was but just about how to get it clean.

Then I came home and crashed again.

And when I woke up this morning it was all about the bad back.

Current Music: Darren Hayes: Insatiable

I finally got around to bathing Heids. Goddamn did she ever need it. The water went almost black and that was just when I was pouring water over her. When I washed the suds off it was even worse. Not to mention that she tried to do a runner. And I'm not allowed to pick her up straight from the floor so had to keep yelling at people to pick her up and deliver her to the bathroom please. Not to mention that regulatory yell when I need the timer put on so that I know how long 10 minutes is. Poor thing had to put up with me singing to her while she waited the 10 minutes. Probably took several years off her life. My poor baby.

Then when we finally got her out of the bath and through the drying procedures she went and sat, still damp, on my mother's knee. Which mother wasn't too thrilled about. But it just goes to show that Heids loves her hey?!

That reminds me, she needs her collar put back on. The diamantes make her look so cute!!

Well this morning I woke up almost vomitting. Not because of the pain of the other thing that happened in my sleep but because my head was on such an angle that I couldn't clear my throat. The web was obviously right across because of the angle and had been holding things in my mouth. Ewww gross is all I can say.

The other thing? Well that was probably caused by me trying to get my head into a position where I could swallow even though I was unaware of it. I managed to dislocate my shoulder in my sleep. This means that it's incredibly painful today, especially when doing things like putting on my seatbelt and so forth. And getting dressed?? Lets not even go there.

Anyways I went to the gym this morning with divatam but I took it really easy. We walked for about 15 minutes, just over I think, and rode a bike for a similar amount of time and then did abdominals and other stretches and stuff before going back on the bike for five minutes or so.

I came up with an idea based on a question that Tamara asked me. See the bikes at the gym (well the ones in the front area anyway) have little wheels on the front and she asked me why they were there if the bikes weren't supposed to move. So I told her that they were so that we could take the bikes and leave them in strategic locations around the gym. Such as halfway up the stairs, but then we decided that it could be more fun if the bikes were at the top of the stairs, and we could have races to see who made it to the bottom first lol. I was contemplating leaving one bike in the middle of the aerobics area. I thought that would be quite amusing. It would be a good place to be when there was a class going on because you'd get a good view of everything that goes on, but getting off the bike could be difficult. I think you'd have to stay on for the whole hour. Ouchies.

Well I'd better go for now.

Love to you all

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: VAnessa Carlton: Ordinary Day

The Goddess of Fire and Happiness. You are a ball
of energy. Always compassionate and full of
life, you can make anyone feel happy and you
are exceptionally uplifting. You are an
individual beauty.


Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
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Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Robbie Williams: Beyond the Sea

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

( Read more... )

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Spice Girls: If you can't dance

( Questions not to ask in foreign lands )

Top 10 Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you
will be."

6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize

1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most high-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Jewel: Adrian